What do you do when the only time someone wastes the energy to speak to you is when they want to tell you how not good enough you are?
The mistakes that you've been making?
The fact that you're not cutting it?

I know what I'm going to do.

Swallow a fucking bullet.

And what do you do when your "boyfriend" aka, guy who "loves" you, doesn't bother to return your messages?

The same thing. Swallow a fucking bullet.

And what about when your best friend says she'll call you back in ten minutes, and doesn't?

How bout when you step on the scale and you realize you need to make pony weight in less than a year and you're no where close?

What about when you binge on 1300 calories worth of Mexican?

Swallow a fucking bullet.

I can't wait to pull the trigger.

This is the kind of mood I'm in....

Filthy

for every child touched by her sacred tongue
for every orgasm that's reached my ears
for every night children lay to dream of her lust
fuck her to death
that fucking bitch is gonna pay
she's heartless - she's empty - she's hollow
I shoved a vacuum through her cunt but nothing came out
she can crawl into my bed but she can never crawl into my heart
I'll be the last thing she sees before she dies
using a gun to stimulate her clit
she's crying but I simply will not quit
I pulled the trigger as her moans grew bigger
I stared into her pretty eyes as I cut

as I tear at her flesh and rip that fucking slut

tear at her flesh, rip that fucking slut [x3]
rest in peace that fucking slut

bury her 6 feet closer to hell

fuck her to the grave

dig a ditch and bury the bitch

After burning my usual 350 calories in my 30 minute crossramp routine this morning, I went to Silver Diner for breakfast.

Not because I was hungry. Just because I was lonely. I had an urge for purging and with an empty stomach, there was nothing coming up.

Strawberry milkshake (around 800+ cal)
Black Bean Flatbread and egg Sandwich (around 400)
Home Fries (around 300)
and 40 ounces of water.

I purged for a half an hour.

I know I didn't get everything up. Probably half the milkshake and almost the whole sandwich. Probably brings my net intake to around 700. It's a 500 calorie day on ABC. Yesterday was a complete success.

Since I'm certain I didn't get everything up today I'm going to fast for the rest of today.

If I have the energy I will go to the gym after my oil change.

If not, I will lay in bed miserably until early tomorrow when I WILL go to the gym.

Tomorrow I work at D&B and I'm determined to burn as many calories as possible. Consider it a gym alternative.

This vicious cycle of self harm (cut, purge, cut, purge) needs to stop.

What would have been my boyfriend, who said that he loved me only three days ago, has yet to talk to me since two days ago.

I've left him 2 text messages.

Let's not forget the love letter I left with his belongings.

My best friend hasn't even called to thank me for the food I left her.

I hacked up about a foot length of cuts with a razorblade down my right outer thigh. Tears streaming, self pity looming in my conscience.

Why God, why do I have to be so fat and alone? Why did he say he loved me and then just toss me aside?

The cuts are bleeding. I can feel the dripping running down my leg under my work pants. Yeah, at work no less. And gradual numbness is setting in.

My stomach aches and growls at me for the measley 115 calories I've had today after doing cardio at 6:00 this morning. Somehow I can't find the strength to eat.

Ten years of cutting and here I sit, with my corporate job, bleeding yet again... just like middle school, high school, and the rest of my life.

My life is nothing more than scar tissue, scabs and bruises.

Darryl asked me to TRY not to hurt myself... and then he turned away.

So what is the point of trying now?

Huge binge yesterday. Meant to purge... and didn't. Fell asleep. Took some laxatives and only had one BM. Hating life. Had nightmares. Darryl brought me out of them. He is amazing.

Today....
1100 calorie breakfast. Purged. I resisted purging for 2 hours and finally began purging until I could smell the remnants of yesterday's food. Purged until life felt livable again. It was a violent purge. It's been a week since my last purge. Part of me really wanted to stop. Now... now I don't want to stop at all.

Wrote Darryl a letter and left it with his cigarettes. Certainly by now he's read it. He hasn't texted or called. I feel so ready to pull the trigger.

My head feels as if it is about to explode. Thought maybe if I jotted some of this down I could stop obsessing over ED and maybe pay a little attention to work.

Gotta finish the yogurt in the refrigerator so I can go back to my vegan diet. The gas from milk products is just way to uncomfortable.

So... about 600 calories today? IDK. Should be able to lose it easily at Xsport tonight. Think I might go swimming.

Yogurt for dinner.

Yogurt three times tomorrow.

Joy.